Are you in an abusive relationship - with alcohol?

Ever look at women or men in terrible, toxic relationships and wonder why they don’t just end it?

Or why those who experience abuse from their partner might leave only to return again and again?

It doesn’t make any logical sense. Often, we can look at those situations from the outside and it’s unfathomable to us.

But is it?

Isn’t this similar to what so many of us do in our relationships with alcohol?

Think about it.

It starts out wonderfully. You feel ah-mazing! You’re caught up in the whirlwind. You feel like the best, most sparkly version of yourself –confident, glamorous, fun, sexy.

You’re walking on cloud 9. If only you’d known life could feel as pleasurable and exciting and easy as this before. Everything just feels right.

You see each other more and more. You’re becoming fully embedded in each other’s lives. It’s intoxicating, you’re in love!

Over time though, the cracks start appearing. The façade is slipping a bit. You’re starting to see the bits you don’t like so much. It’s gradual, but you reason it away; no-one’s perfect, right?  

From time to time you’ll get flashes of realisation that you’re starting to feel bad more often than you feel good these days.

There’s an inner sense that something’s off (cognitive dissonance). It’s confusing. They say they love you more than anything, but yet their actions say otherwise.

You’ll push those thoughts away. After all, they still treat you nicely, just a lot less often these days. It’s ok, this was just a bad spell.

Besides, you can’t leave them, you love them. This relationship is part of your identity, your future. You can’t imagine doing life without them now.  

You need to keep trying. Work harder. You need to need to approach things differently. A different way, that’s it. Things just went off track for a bit.

(sober translation: i’m only drinking on certain days, drinking certain drinks, only with dinner).

It works for a while. You’ve cracked it. Oh the relief!

For a while, and then things become unmanageable again. People around you are starting to notice. You’re not your old self anymore.

You’re exhausted now. Your gut is screaming, enough is enough. You can’t do it anymore. It’s futile, you can see that now, you’re leaving.

That’s when they promise to change. They’re begging you. You’re the love of their life! They didn’t mean it. They’ve been under a lot of stress.

But you’ve really had enough this time, you’re out.

Initially, you feel relief at being away. You might start doing new things, mixing with new people. You’ve got more clarity. You can’t believe you tolerated that for so long (hello, early sobriety).

But after a little while the rose-tinted glasses kick in. You start remembering all the good times. The trips away, the meals out, the times you felt really connected.

You see relationships all around you. Everywhere you go seems to be happy couples. You’re missing the ex terribly, you’re lonely. Then the thoughts creep in …

It wasn’t all bad, was it? You had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs. There were only a few bumps, really. You’re probably overreacting, you know that’s what you always do.

Maybe they can change. Maybe they do really meant it this time. They’re working on it, they’re seeing a counsellor and everything! See, they do care. It’s not their fault they had such a bad childhood, they’re trying.

And they miss you more than life itself. They’re messaging you every day to tell you. You’re so torn. You want to believe things can be different. And, doesn’t everyone deserve (yet) another chance?

THIS IS A LIE. Don’t be gaslit.

Alcohol is not going to change. It has no intention of changing.

Just like the abusive relationship, if you go back it will be more of the same.

You will waste more years of your precious life hanging on in the hope things will be different.

More likely is that it will get worse.

You will keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

You’ll tolerate the toxic, because of the bond you formed when your needs were being met in the early days. Back to when it was giving more than it was taking.

You know you don’t want this, not this version anyway.

But you can’t seem to break away, at least not for long. You feel worse and worse about yourself.

Your confidence is at an all-time low. You feel so confused all the time. The broken promises, the lies, the behaviour that doesn’t make sense.

You’re feeling deeply ashamed because deep down you know. You know what you need to do.

But you don’t know if you can stay away for good. If you’ve got the strength to see it through this time. You feel stuck in some special type of purgatory. The in-between space.

You’re not sure which is worse – the pain of staying the same or the pain of change.

It’s now impacting your mental health, your health, the lives of your children, your work, maybe even your finances. Everything has become about the relationship.

You feel like a loser, a failure, a weak person.

And yet you are not the abuser.

Do you see the insanity?

If this in any way resonates for you, maybe sit with it this this weekend.

Having experienced abusive relationships - both in a partner context and with alcohol - I feel this is a powerful parallel to make.*

These things did not make sense to me at the time. I could not understand why I just couldn’t make the break.

Why I couldn’t make it stick. I believed I was weak and pathetic.

I negotiated with myself over and over again. To find more and more ways to go back to the old. To try harder. Because I believed I had to the power to change it.

I tried to make them see, to get them to change, to get help, to tell the truth, to do the right thing. For years. Decades with alcohol.

Because I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to face the truth.

But the reality was, it had to be me. That’s the only thing I ever had any control over.

The irony was that when I laid down my sword, I stopped channeling my energies into making the unworkable work and I admitted defeat, I actually broke free.

I asked for help and I finally chose me.

What do you choose?

Faye x

P.S. It is absolutely not my intention to invalidate or diminish the significant and very real impact of domestic or family violence on its victims, nor to shame anyone who is still experiencing these dynamics with alcohol or in their partner relationship. This article is a sharing of my experience and this metaphor helped me to better understand my own patterns of self abandonment and alcohol dependence. If this has triggered or upset you in any way please do let me know. I am always open to feedback where I can do things better and to consider other perspectives.